How to relax without wine

Or anything else you might crave after a long day

It is three thirty in the afternoon on a Wednesday. It has been one hell of a productive week. You are actually ahead on your to do list.

Your people are relatively happy, evidenced by the lack of urgent pings and last minute meetings popping up on your calendar. The kids are not sick, for once. Your partner has even volunteered to sort out dinner.

That means you have an afternoon all to yourself. Praise Jesus.

Remember those choose your own adventure books we used to read when we were little?

This is kind of like that, but perhaps a touch less fun. That, however, is up to you.

Let’s go over your options:

• Option A: Keep working to get ahead on tomorrow’s priorities.

• Option B: Dip out early to squeeze in a bonus workout. This is something you like to do just for fun, as it doesn’t hit your criteria for either cardio or strength building.

• Option C: Dip out early and get a few extra things done around the house. That junk drawer definitely needs tending to and the fridge could use a deep clean. You vaguely recall a new pair of cleaning gloves showing up in an Amazon Prime box not too long ago. They are practically calling your name.

• Option D: Dip out early to rest.

While you are extremely tempted by the first three options, your therapist recently mentioned, okay prescribed, more rest. You decide to heed their advice.

You look through your emails one last time to see if anything else is needed before you shut down for the day. Everything can wait.

Perfect. You eagerly close your computer and step away from your desk.

Hmmm, now what?

Might as well just check on dinner. If your partner forgot, you want to be prepared with a backup plan. You slyly text them about what time dinner will be. They shoot back 7PM faster than you anticipated.

Good, that’s sorted.

That leaves you with just under three hours to rest. Yes, please!

You mosey your way to your bedside table in search of a good book. You skip past the one on top, something about ‘leadership in the modern workforce.’ Snooze. No, today is a day for fiction.

You notice the next book down, your latest fiction read, is covered with a layer of dust. You gently wipe it with the sleeve of your sweater, which reminds you: you need to change. Fiction deserves sweat pants.

While swapping out your attire you notice the mess in the closet. You find yourself tempted to give it a little spruce, but realize that wouldn’t fall into the rest category. You make a mental note to add it to the honey to do list.

Ahh, might as well just do that now before you forget.

You walk to the list, jot it down, and review what else is on it. That damn junk drawer will just have to wait. Rest is the name of game today, or at least this afternoon.

You turn the kettle on, run back to fetch your book, and then continue preparing a cup of tea. There is a box of high-end Nettle Leaf tea that came highly recommended by a friend. You give the tea a little sniff before throwing it in your cup. Hmm, not exactly as advertised. Better add a little sugar. Normally you’d skip the sweet, but since it is your afternoon to rest, you decide to indulge. Where is that fancy sugar you purchased for guests?

Ten minutes later you are still rummaging through your pantry looking for the guest-only sugar. Now frustrated to no end, you throw some sort of sugar-substitute into the cup and admit defeat.

No matter, fewer calories.

Time to read!

You scoot over to the couch, get your tea set up on a coaster, locate a throw blanket, and nestle in for some relaxation.

Finally.

Except, your feet are cold. Damn it all to hell!

You pop back into the master closet to retrieve your socks. For fuck’s sake, this closet seriously needs to be organized. You pick a few pairs of socks out that you know have seen better days and deposit them into the bathroom trashcan. There. One less thing.

You return to the couch with now quickly warming feet.

You sip on your tea, which you have to admit … sucks. Should you bother yourself with making another cup, perhaps just the regular stuff? No, that just makes you think of the special guest sugar. Where could it possibly be!?

You decide to suck it up. Worst case, you toss it once it gets cold.

It is time to focus on this book!

You work through a few pages, having a hard time remembering the characters. It’s been too long since you’ve read it. You consider going back a few chapters, but that feels silly. Eventually, you’ll sort through it.

Thirty minutes later you find yourself wondering where your phone is. If anyone needs anything. Perhaps you could peruse Instagram, just for a minute. Or maybe even catch up on the news. That’s restful, right?

No. Stay the course.

Finally, you say ‘fuck it.’ You snatch the cup of shitty tea, toss it down the sink, grab your favorite wine glass, and gleefully uncork the bottle of wine leftover after last night’s dinner.

You carefully take a sip as you pad back to the couch.

Your feet are cozy. The wine warms you from inside. Your mind begins to quiet. You sink into the book. You rest.

Can you relate?

Have you ever had dedicated ‘rest’ time and found it oh so damn hard to access, even if doing something—by all standards—restful, like laying around the house reading?

Does wine (or whatever your thing is) help you access a place of rest rather quickly, when all else ‘fails?’

I understand this oh so well.

This is, however, about so much more than the wine.

The wine is a ‘solution’ to a real problem.

A problem that wasn’t caused by wine.

A problem that stems from something bigger.

And yet we’re inundated with claims that getting sober will fix everything.

It doesn’t. That’s why we toss around names like ‘dry drunk’ when providing reasons why getting sober isn’t worth it.

Sobriety can be a mega-powerful tool, but it is not a silver bullet. Sobriety is like a key to a tremendous castle of awareness. It helps us see what is truly broken, perhaps requiring mending or even, in rare cases, beyond repair.

It is magical in that way.

In this particular example, I’d wager alcohol isn’t the problem. The monkey mind that wouldn’t quiet even with dedicated rest was the result of many activities and substances. A wicked combination of a fast-paced work environment, early morning caffeine, an endless series of problems to address, too much pressure, not enough time, and—yes—a nightly wine habit.

But, let’s say we kick the wine habit.

If we’re still living 98% of our lives precisely the same way, we’re left with a void that needs to be filled.

We turn to alcohol for a reason, even if as innocuous as liking the taste.

Or wanting to fit in.

Or seeing it as liquid courage.

How does one ‘fit in’, then, without the wine?

How does one procure such courage if not supplied in liquid form?

But, let’s say the wine was a truly special tool. A relaxation tool. One that was pretty damn reliable. A few sips and a gentle ease cascades down your body. Smoothing out the rough edges. Making the world seem a little less scary. Allowing you to slow down your monkey mind.

How does one get the same cascading effect without it?

How does one smooth out reality?

Make the world seem less scary?

Slow down your thousand-mile-an-hour monkey mind?

Therein lies the question …

How does one relax without wine after a long day?

The solution is simple, not easy.

We don’t look for a single thing to smooth out the many rough edges in our life.

We seek to have fewer rough edges.

Behaviors that produce this outcome:

• Identifying the root cause of the problem

• Having difficult conversations

• Asking for (and receiving) help

The thing is: when we use substances to do the smoothing, we never see the rough edges for what they are. We are also less driven to address the problems.

Sobriety removes the rose-colored glasses from our life.

Without these, we’re left with an honest picture.

An honest picture that might require some, let’s call it, editing.

When we edit, we gain access to things like:

• Meaningful rest

• Satisfaction

• Long-lasting change

Life, after all, is a complex version of the choose your own adventure game.

What will it be:

• Option A: Drink the glass of wine to take advantage of the next two hours of ‘rest’

• Option B: Assess the contributing factors to your monkey mind and do something about them

Up to you. I’m here for you either way. No shaming. No blaming. Just love and encouragement.