Why your purpose is hiding from you
And what you can do about it
Six months ago I was sitting at my dining room table with a cup of coffee. My personal laptop, which I rarely used back then, was open. A questionnaire with my name at the top was on screen. All other tabs had been closed. Distractions minimized. It was just me and the questionnaire.
It was an intake form. A series of get-to-know-you questions designed by Martha Beck’s team responsible for hosting the annual African STAR retreat. The retreat, located in South Africa, that I had been accepted into some eights months prior. A decision long-since made. A program fully paid for. Vaccines received. Tickets and hotels booked.
Now, it was time to do the work.
Section one of the intake form was mild. What is your name? Where do you live? What do you consider your daily work? May we share your email address? That sort of thing.
Section two was a bit spicier: a series of questions about my best and worst moments in life.
Section three dove a bit deeper into locus of control.
Section four held the questions I was hoping they wouldn’t ask. The questions I prayed would not come up at cocktail parties. Amongst friends while hiking. Questions I refused to address even just with myself.
I hated these questions.
But on this day, with this cup of coffee, at this table, I didn’t. When I read the questions, I did not wince.
When I read the questions, I did not need to step away from my computer. I didn’t feel the need to go for a walk. To do yoga. To meditate.
I didn’t feel myself getting small. Shirking away. There was no anxious energy.
Instead, when I read the question, “Do you have a life mission? Do you know what it is? Please describe it as best you can.”, I felt intrigued. My curiosity had been piqued. I truly wanted to give it a proper college try. I wanted to put something down, even if it wasn’t ‘right.’ I was pulled toward it.
Something had shifted for me beyond my level of consciousness. Some might say the clouds had parted. For me, it wasn’t so obvious. All I could consciously recognize was rather than backing away, I was moving toward it.
A subtle change. Tiny, even.
The impact, however, was massive.
It changed my entire life.
Before sharing what I wrote, I wonder how you might respond if asked about your own life mission.
Do you have one?
Do you know what it is?
Please describe it to the best of your ability.
A year ago, these questions would have ruffled my feathers. I would have been irritated. I would have tried to change the topic of conversation. If forced to answer, I would have reacted a bit like a deer in headlights. A vacant expression on my face. Vacant, at least, until I allowed myself to respond authentically. At that point, fear would arise.
Perhaps terror.
A mission would provide purpose. A purpose would provide meaning. Meaning would make life worth living.
I couldn’t access what made life worth living every day a year ago. Now, I can.
A year ago, I didn’t think there was meaning. I didn’t think I had a purpose. I definitely didn’t have a mission, apart from what biology asked of me:to procreate.
Today, I do. It is crystal clear. Crystal.
If you don’t know your purpose or mission in life, I want to honor where you are right now. It is a precarious place. It can look like so many things. What I hear from people without a purpose is that a lack of purpose feels meaningful to them. They make it mean different things, but it holds meaning nonetheless.
Here’s the good news. We each have a purpose in life.
Better still, we don’t have to go out and find it. A hero’s journey is not required. It isn’t at the top of some faraway mountain that you need to hire a Sherpa to help you ascend.
It exists right now. At this very moment. Deep inside of you.
The answers you are seeking are already present. Already within you. All of the answers, in fact, are within you.
This is why I love the work I am doing now so deeply. The level of agency is so refreshing. No gurus required. No strict set of rules to follow. No specific rituals. It is all individual. All within ourselves. Each and every one of us has equal access to this information. The only thing that sets those with the answers apart from those that haven’t yet found them is the willingness to look within.
This is getting a little theoretical. Let’s bring it back to a place and time. Many sections into this questionnaire I finally come upon the previously hated questions about mission, purpose, dreams-come-true, and so on.
At the risk of oversharing, I willingly step into the ring of fire. I willingly share openly my raw thoughts at the time, in an effort to help anyone who might also find themself facing questions such as these.
Do you feel you have a life mission? Do you know what it is? Even if you can’t quite define it, please describe it here as best you can.
I certainly don’t feel as if I can articulate this well. Something exists around teaching, learning, adventure, deep community, and nature. I think I’ve been playing it all too small. I once wanted to make people’s lives just 2% better by leading them through incredible yoga classes. Then I wanted to make the lives better of a small number of people by supporting them through an eco-friendly tourist destination. I thought I might find myself in a better place by leaving the intensity of management consulting to help those new to consulting learn how to do their job better. I’ve desperately wanted to be a professor. I think the closest I’ve ever come to really nailing it was my childhood dream to be Indiana Jones. It is in large part what led me to pursue a PhD in Biological Anthropology. I loved the dual life he lived of learning / high society with the danger of travel and adventure just around the corner. Plus, what a fucking stud! All of that still sounds delightful. I just think I’m anchoring to what I’ve seen. I need to see something new to inspire a different path that I’ve yet to explore. Something else has to be out there!
Does any of this resonate with you? Not necessarily my answers, but my searching? My rooting around seemingly relevant pieces of datum? Looking for hints and clues? Writing from an authentic place? Being unable to articulate a precise answer, but trying anyway? Not needing it to be ‘right’ or ‘complete’ but good enough?
How about the last line, “Something else has to be out there!”
Have you ever thought something similar?
Time for the good and bad news. Let’s start with the bad. In a nutshell: you won’t uncover your purpose within the time it takes you to finish reading this essay. Good news: I am completely certain that you can uncover it if you put in the work.
Now, let’s talk about how.
First, I’ll point you to a free Masterclass offered by Martha Beck on the subject. It is called “Five Paths to Your Purpose” and you can find it by clicking on the link below. I highly recommend it.
If Martha Beck isn’t a frequency holder for you and you want a synopsis, keep reading. My interpretation is based on her work, since she has worked with thousands and thousands of individuals, and I’ll contextualize it within my own life and those of whom I am working with now. Two for one deal. You get a condensed version of a methodology that has served thousands of people from all over the world plus my two cents on the matter in exchange for your precious time.
The value, then, is up to you. Was the exchange of your time valuable? This function can include almost an infinite number of variables, but I’d wager your desire to have a purpose factors into it. Nevertheless, I offer it to you now.
Ah, one more thing, to make good on my headline …
If you consider your purpose to be evasive, at best, and, at worst, non-existent, this isn’t on you. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. It isn’t a matter of missing some lecture in college or even grade school. This isn’t taught in most schools. Instead, we encourage a different agenda. An agenda that serves ‘society’ at large over the individuals that make up that society.
So, if you are hearing this for the very first time, you are not behind. No time has been wasted. You are not too late.
Let us begin.
First and foremost, a reminder that everyone has a purpose in life. The reason why many people are unaware of said purpose is due to Culture. Due to Society. Society tells us—and doesn’t even bother to ask us—to curtail our dreams. This leads to shame. This leads to us thinking something is wrong with us. We’re not enough of this or too much of that, and before we know it, we’re practically worthless. We’re not lovable. We’re disconnected.
In short, this sucks.
Martha talks about two ways to heal this basic wound, through self-compassion and self-acceptance. Watch the Masterclass for more details.
From a very practical perspective, she offers four specific paths:
Mended Path
Path of Fascination
Path of Mystery
Path of Truth
The Mended Path
You’ve probably heard people talk about the mended path without calling it as such. The basic concept is we are more beautiful after breaking and being mended than we would be if we had never broken in the first place. This is represented quite literally by the Japanese pottery practice of repairing cracks by filling them with gold (Kintsugi). Hemingway tells us that we become stronger at the broken places.
How can you apply this to your own life?
I’d suggest a bit of journaling. If you are willing, list ten of the most horrific experiences you’ve had in your life. For me, this includes three very serious bouts of burnout, drinking too much at points in my life, and even experiencing suicidal thoughts.
When I did this thought experiment originally I didn’t write such things down. It looked more like a list:
PhD Program
Leaving PhD Program
Leaving Russ
M&A Consulting
Leaving Deloitte
Strategy Consulting
Leaving consulting for good
Getting sober
I had to do a little investigative work to translate discrete moments in time into themes. These themes led me to understand where I can be in service to others. The areas in my life where I’ve been to hell and back. Where I can shed light on the path for others.
If you have a few moments, I invite you to do this inquiry now. Where have you been to hell and back? Do you notice any themes?
Is it even remotely possible that you could help someone who is suffering, as you once did, to suffer less as they take their own journey from hell to healing?
This doesn’t have to be the answer. Just try it on for size.
If this path is making total sense to you, bravo! Either way, keep reading. There are multiple paths and many of them can work in combination together quite nicely.
The Path of Fascination
Two weeks ago I received a beautiful email from a professor I had in undergrad. I can’t even recall the class he taught, but I remember how I felt while in his classroom. I was challenged. I was in the learning zone. Not too easy. Not too hard. I loved his classes and appreciated his insights.
Fifteen years later he asks me if I have any thoughts about finding a second purpose in life after a life well lived. After a very successful career. After helping so many people. A purpose in retirement.
A smile slowly spread across my face, a bit like the Grinch. Yes, indeed. I do have some thoughts about this.
Rather than preach, I offered two challenges. The first of which applies to the Path of Fascination.
Challenge 1: Dedicate ten minutes or more per day to following any curiosity, which could be anything from how queen bees are made to advanced tax strategies. I'd recommend topics that make you perk up a little vs. "need to know" or "I should know this" type of stuff. For me, this means tax strategies would be a no but practicing finding the queen bee in a picture of a bee hive for sixty minutes would be a great use of my time. The weirder the better.
I offered this challenge because it gets to the heart of this path. Our purpose might exist in places within ourselves we infrequently access. The places that excite us, but not in a overt manner like watching an intense action film or having a shockingly beautiful human bump into us at the coffee store.
No, the parts of us that we told ourselves around puberty weren’t cool. Weren’t interesting. Things we recognized were not in line with what Culture told us was worth paying attention to. These are what hold the clues.
For me, this meant I stopped spending time outside looking at frogs and bugs in the stream beds. I stopped watching the natural world. I stopped drawing. I stopped creating. Rather than observe and create I memorized. I regurgitated information. I became an information processor capable of taking in high amounts of information, distilling them into discrete topics, and moving on.
I stopped tilting my face toward the sun while playing outside. I stopped watching meteor showers with my dad at night. I didn’t want to talk to my mom about witches anymore. This wasn’t cool.
Being a cheerleader was cool.
Getting good grades in school was cool.
Being skinny was ‘cool.’
I offer a similar challenge to you as I did to this wonderful professor. This mentor of mine.
Just start noticing what you notice.
What makes your ears perk up a bit? What makes you turn your head? What drives you to ask a follow up question? What catches your eye?
Spend time every day following these curiosities, to whatever end. Again, the “weirder” the better. Why? Because this tells me Culture isn’t telling you what to focus on. It tells me your inner self, your essential self, your highest self is leading the way. This is the version of yourself will lead you to your purpose. Not your Cultural Self.
Over time, and it could be a week or six months, you’ll narrow your focus. You’ll notice it isn’t just being outside that excites but being in the woods. Eventually, again no specific time period here that will do the trick, you might be able to name the thing that excites you. Maybe it’s hiking barefoot in the woods. Or bird watching in the woods. Or talking about quantum physics … in the woods.
I don’t know, but neither do you. You won’t know until you start following the clues.
This is precisely why coaches don’t give career advice. It would be futile to look at one’s skillset and set of cultural interests and try to come up with an ideal career for them. There is so much hidden underneath. Only you can come to conclusions that will be meaningful. I can name a bunch of shit that makes sense, but we’re not looking to make sense. We’re looking for your purpose. If a fucking quiz could answer that for us. don’t you think we’d all have taken it by now?
Path of Mystery
One of my favs. This one immediately piqued my curiosity. I was standing at attention the moment Martha placed this concept in front of me.
Yes!
So. Much. Yes.
Fuck yeah!
See how this is different from, “I mean, I guess that’s cool”? Or even, “Yeah, I’m into that”?
There is a massive difference. We’re looking for clues that produce a true response in us, even if not culturally accepted.
One note here: sometimes the thing that sparks interest in us isn’t the thing. Sometimes it is a clue. It leads us to something even more authentic. But, if we’ve never experienced that thing, we need a pathway to it. Perhaps during pottery class you meet someone who has built a massively successful career writing books about Ayurveda, but you’ve never even heard of that. Clue.
Link the clues. Stack the clues. Follow the clues.
Speaking of mystery, iff you’ve ever looked up at the stars in wonder, this path might be for you. If you’ve ever been drawn toward astrology or have added the Northern Lights to your bucket list, this path might be for you. If you’ve ever been hit with a dose of joy when walking into a religious building, this might be for you.
This has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with not knowing. Martha calls this the cloud of unknowing.
Practically speaking, this is where you can pair your fascination with your intuition. For example, you cannot understand why going to a sound bath ceremony is so intriguing, but you’ve paid $50 to go and you’re also taking a friend. You aren’t sure why, seemingly all of a sudden, you want to read medical textbooks but you are. It seems odd since you work in fashion, but hey, you are listening to your inner self.
You don’t pretend to know the way. If you did, you wouldn’t be asking these questions.
This path asks us to use our imagination and go beyond what we’ve learned. Beyond what we’ve seen. What we’ve been taught.
It asks us to remove cultural constraints. It asks us to suspend belief in “what has to be” for a moment. To let our minds roam a bit like that of children, who put wings on stick figure drawings of their family and think that is totally fine.
For this path to work you don’t have to be into religion. You don’t have to believe in the supernatural.
As Martha says, “You just have to believe that one type of social primate that lives on one rock in a small galaxy in the universe hasn’t figured it all out yet.”
If that isn’t freeing, I don’t know what is. It reminds me that all that we “know” in this world is really quite minor. Even when we’re practically inundated with information, in the grand scheme of things, what do we really know?
Perhaps if you could allow your intuition to lead you, just for a time, you might find your path. Your purpose. Your mission.
For me, this played out with following some of my most weird interests. Not only was I interested in astrology all of a sudden, but one day in July I felt called to visit a particular gem store in Evergreen. In that store I met an intuitive healer. She performed a tarot reading for me. That led me to listen to an absolutely stunning and extremely nourishing podcast by another intuitive healer on a monthly basis. That led me to exploring different parts of myself, and so on and so forth.
I didn’t presume to know, and I didn’t leave with a specific answer, but it took me to wondrous places along the way. And, as I said, my purpose is now crystal clear.
Path of Truth
Our last and final path that we’ll discuss today is the path of truth. For those with scientific minds, you may find this one rather comforting.
We often mistake stories for truths. When we can’t do something on the first try, we say it is impossible. No. This is not a fact. This is a story.
When the Wright brothers were trying to fly, they didn’t discover the answer on attempt one. Along the way they collected results. Results based on physics. This particular combination of things did not result in flight. Truth.
We can uncover truth through trial.
Simple, not easy.
This path asks us to be ourselves. Hard to do when we’ve been taught by Culture to be a very specific sort of way, but it is possible.
From this place, we ask ourselves specific questions and record the result, like scientists.
When you spent time with Bob yesterday afternoon, how did you feel? When you spent time with Suzy this morning, how did you feel? When you are gardening, how does that feel? When you are doing your taxes, how does that feel? When you are building a treehouse, how does that feel? When you are sweeping the garage, how does that feel? When you are cooking, how does that feel?
If you start to live your life by honest responses to stimuli, living your life by results rather than stories, who knows what you might uncover.
Martha once lived a full year without telling a single lie. When the waiter asked her how she liked her soup, she told them. If it wasn’t good, she said so. When a friend invited her to an event, she responded with an authentic yes or no. When an editor asked for something by next Tuesday and she couldn’t deliver, she said so.
This is not for the faint of heart.
Most people are not prepared for honest answers. When my mom asks if I want to go see the Downton Abbey exhibit she actually wants me to say yes. When my husband initiates sex, he isn’t hoping for me to say no. People ask things of us with agendas. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is honest. It is up to us to respond based on our true nature. To be honest ourselves.
One doesn’t have to live a year without telling a lie to follow this path. That is extreme. She learned a lot that year and has vowed she’ll never do it again! This is not my recommendation.
For me, I checked in with my body. When I walked into a bar for a happy hour, I noticed how I was feeling. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to be there. Not because of the bar, but because of the happy hour. I hate happy hour. I’d much prefer to have one friend over for coffee and chat by the fire than talk about the weather and my holiday plans with ‘colleagues.’
I did this over and over and over again. I started to notice themes. What generally took energy from me and what gave me energy.
Some observations:
Turns out, I don’t hate people. In fact, I love them. While I am an introvert, not all people drain my energy. Only some people. In some situations. Many people even give me energy. Many conversations are completely invigorating. I just hadn’t been surrounded with these conversations and people on a regular basis before this inquiry. The question then becomes: How do I curate more of those yummy convos and prune out happy hours in poorly lit bars? Spoiler alert: by just doing it.
I also love working. I used to look forward to weekends because, “they were my only days of freedom.” Funny thing about work, when it doesn’t feel like modern day slavery, I’m cool doing it. In fact, I love it. I am not working 80 hours a week anymore, but the time I spend ‘working’ is mostly me in flow. Holy shit. That’s powerful.
I could go on, but then why would you read my book!?
For you, I offer you a practical suggestion. Starting today, notice what you lie about. When do you say ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’? When do you pick up the phone when you’d prefer not to? When do you pat yourself on the back for keeping your mouth shut? When do you turn toward pranayama instead of just saying the thing you want to say? When do you water down your response?
These don’t have to be harmful lies. There is a good chance this happens tens if not hundreds of times a day. A journal might be helpful.
Having shared all of these paths with you I’ll leave you with a few gentle reminders.
You have a purpose
It already exists within you
You can uncover it
You don’t have to uncover it in a day
I send you many blessings on our journey, my friends. I’d love to hear from you along the way. Drop a comment.
Also, please share this with a friend who might be interested. While not a short read, it is an important one.
Finally, want more info? Keep listening by checking out the below podcast episodes.